2013 is going by in a blur.

I just turned 44. The event of my birth is always a special month for me. I tend to use this time of year to work on my self esteem and to reflect back on who I have become.

2012-2013 was a great year.

I started the year working at Teleca and working with people who I had become very close to. Sergey, Kirill, Alexey, Tejas and others have become some distant friends. The great part of this was that along with Milos these friends are all originally from different countries.

Having obtained a level of success in business and really worked to eliminate much of my fears and anxiety through spiritual and therapeutic processes and practice I find that this year around I am feeling more empowered to reach out and grow things beyond my own self.

So for the 2013-2014 year I am exploring my own freedom from anxiety. What I'm finding is that I'm experiencing much more frustration around the lack of personal accomplishment. As a teach of mine is fond of saying, Anger is for you and it is a natural source of energy.

So I am using the energy to create. To define my own path and drive to my own goals. At the office this is taking form as mentoring and coaching of the staff on my team. At home this is taking form in projects to develop a gaming convention and other creative aspects.

I've decided to start blogging and sharing more of my creative ventures this year. My fear of talking of things or they will be taken over or discounted by others is now in my focus and I will be targeting it for elimination.

Onward to greatness and feelings of joy and satisfaction in life.

I am living my life right now.

Dave

Weekend of More of the Same

This weekend I spent several hours painting a wall in my house so it can hold magnets and thus allow me to put things on the wall without tacks or other hangers.

Throughout the process I could tell I felt pressure. Pressure to get it done. Pressure to do it perfectly. Pressure to put asside things i value in order to prioritize it.

The pressure pushed me out of my true self and into a "beside myself" condition. I describe this as being aware of not being centered and in my integrity but not knowing what to do.

Therefore I didn't get to the gym as I had intended on Sunday. Instead I worked on the wall.

This wall now will be a constant reminder of how often I set aside my goals for the immediate actions of perceived necessity.

The Higher Power of God comes through the people I know.

I have let this blog be dorment for several years. 2010 through 2012 were times for me when I was very focused on many other projects.

Mostly I have found that through this time I was experiencing a lot of starting things. Started F1337command.com. Started working for Teleca and building mobile applications. Worked for a very short time on a startup idea.

But mostly I've been experiencing what I'd consider a conflict of personality. My personality crafted in my adult life and the personality crafted in my childhood.

As a child I learned to be capable. To quickly obtain new skills and to thrive in figuring things out. The struggle of my early life born out a man who went into the world armed with "do or do not." I became what I was most afraid I would not. I learned, grew, manifested, and blundered.

Then in 2003 I began to transform my personality. As I have learned and grown I have discovered that while I was healing past wounds I was still struggling. Thriving was just always out of reach.

As I entered into the middle part of 2011 this came to a head. Here I realized that if I am going to thrive I have to resolve this conflict between myself and myself.

So this year i'm going to focus this blog on that conflict. Making a personal part of my struggle available for you to see. My goal is to provide an externalization of an internal conflict and to build a strength through outing myself to some degree.

My first realization came to me this last week. I never listen to advice. I look for information but I am scared that if I do what other people suggest I will fail. Instead I turn over my power to the moments and my current understanding.

My second realization came to me this week. I am intentional buy not accountable to many of the toughest changes I want to make in my life.

So here is my chance and yours. I will hold myself daily accountable for my health program and I will take advice from others on what to do. I will find time in my life everyday to do both things.

I will use my friends and advisors as my higher power and get their ideas and follow their input.

Today I will stop being scared to not be perfect.