09 April 2012

Weekend of More of the Same

This weekend I spent several hours painting a wall in my house so it can hold magnets and thus allow me to put things on the wall without tacks or other hangers.

Throughout the process I could tell I felt pressure. Pressure to get it done. Pressure to do it perfectly. Pressure to put asside things i value in order to prioritize it.

The pressure pushed me out of my true self and into a "beside myself" condition. I describe this as being aware of not being centered and in my integrity but not knowing what to do.

Therefore I didn't get to the gym as I had intended on Sunday. Instead I worked on the wall.

This wall now will be a constant reminder of how often I set aside my goals for the immediate actions of perceived necessity.

06 April 2012

The Higher Power of God comes through the people I know.

I have let this blog be dorment for several years. 2010 through 2012 were times for me when I was very focused on many other projects.

Mostly I have found that through this time I was experiencing a lot of starting things. Started F1337command.com. Started working for Teleca and building mobile applications. Worked for a very short time on a startup idea.

But mostly I've been experiencing what I'd consider a conflict of personality. My personality crafted in my adult life and the personality crafted in my childhood.

As a child I learned to be capable. To quickly obtain new skills and to thrive in figuring things out. The struggle of my early life born out a man who went into the world armed with "do or do not." I became what I was most afraid I would not. I learned, grew, manifested, and blundered.

Then in 2003 I began to transform my personality. As I have learned and grown I have discovered that while I was healing past wounds I was still struggling. Thriving was just always out of reach.

As I entered into the middle part of 2011 this came to a head. Here I realized that if I am going to thrive I have to resolve this conflict between myself and myself.

So this year i'm going to focus this blog on that conflict. Making a personal part of my struggle available for you to see. My goal is to provide an externalization of an internal conflict and to build a strength through outing myself to some degree.

My first realization came to me this last week. I never listen to advice. I look for information but I am scared that if I do what other people suggest I will fail. Instead I turn over my power to the moments and my current understanding.

My second realization came to me this week. I am intentional buy not accountable to many of the toughest changes I want to make in my life.

So here is my chance and yours. I will hold myself daily accountable for my health program and I will take advice from others on what to do. I will find time in my life everyday to do both things.

I will use my friends and advisors as my higher power and get their ideas and follow their input.

Today I will stop being scared to not be perfect.