16 October 2008

Childish Fear

I have often believed that my thoughts defined my reality. Especially feelings of loneliness (sadness and fear) an impending sense of abandonment (fear) and ritious anger (anger). While I could intelectualize all I wanted about the lack of reality these thoughts really conveyed it did little to change my emotional reaction to people, places, and things. 

My behaviors remained mostly unchanged when it came to matters that mattered to my perceived needs. 

What I have learned this last year is that these feelings most often stem from one place. An enmeshed sense of self. An ego state that believes that it will die if seperated, alone, or abandoned.

This began in my childhood when I was abandoned in many ways by parents. However, in my adult life this belief is totally unsupportive of me. It creates a clinging energy that drives healthy people away and leaves me most often with people who will in fact do the same. Even if they will not physcally abandon me they will by happenstance be incapable to staying connected to me. The disfunction in me matching in a symbiotic way to them.

This is the matter of the last six years of my life. To change my internal state machine to react from a new framework and sense of being.

While this is a life long goal of mine and will undoubtadly be part of my continuous transition. I believe I have achieved this to a large degree over this six years of therapy. 

I am grateful to all who have supported me in this process. Even as I move on from one therapy program to other self improvement activities I can reflect back with satisfaction at my movement.

Thank you to Karuna Poole and Vince Horan

A cold wind blows

A cold wind blows from a top the mountain's highest peak.
A warm hearth stays the chill and loss of life.
The leaves fall and color the turf.

A cold wind blows through my mind and to make things ever bleak
A warm hearth keeps the love of god in my heart and to help me avoid strife.
The leaves fall and show me that life does come and go like the surf.

A cold wind blows across the sky.
A warm hearth heats the house.
The leaves fall rott and nurture the soil, plants and animals.

15 October 2008

Attachment to outcome

I am attached to outcomes I have no control over.

Oh that felt good to say. Its so easy for me in my job as a leader and delivery boy to focus on the outcomes of the project and associate my own success with those outcomes. After all if the project is not successful isn't it the responsibility of the Project Manager? Well yes and no. 

When I step back I'm always impressed with the ability of any group of people to organize to meet the measurable statics that are being reviewed by their bosses and customers. What I find, is that its my own ability to mesh into these groups that is in conflict. I am in conflict when others within a team or group are over committing, ineffectively working, and prolonging the project with unnecessary work tasks.

The basis of my conflict resides deep within my childhood psychological model.

I am not good enough because I am not an adult.
The world hurts and punishes children for being incompetent and not fixing the situations around them.
Therefore I take on responsibility for issues and objectives outside of my own control in attempt to fix problems and situations I have no control over

This is common childhood response to being raised by incompetent adults. Its not to say that our parents didn't love us and try their best its only to say that they themselves may have been operating under this same childhood psychological model and that they passed this along unconsciously

So for today I will revisit my emotional reactions to situations and my level of attachment to outcomes. I will disengage from situations outside my control and not respond to issues that are not directly brought to my attention for my resolution. I will work on the tasks I have assigned to me and let the aspects of the project outside of my direct control go where they will.

Writing on the book

As some know I'm working on writing my first fiction novel. 

Its been a labor of love and I mostly enjoy it. However, recently I sent out a draft of the first seven chapters. Its interesting when expressing your creativity. You fear most the negative feedback of others but for most of us we need no feedback at all to create an opportunity to worry and convince ourself that "its not good enough." 

I am realizing more and more the power of my own mind to create my reality. I no longer believe that my reality is something that is happening outside myself. My perceptions and reactions are a strong force for the creation of my reality. In some ways they are far stronger than any other force in my life. 

So instead of worry and doubt about my writing I will focus on my capabilities and excitement. I will use my mind to create the reality I desire instead of the one I fear.

Today, I will keep a possitive attitude and remind myself of my accomplishments. If I am filled with doubt or second guessing I will halt that particular thinking and gestault with myself. In the gestault I will remind myself:
1. I am human and therefore do not need to be perfect
2. I am capable of this achievement
3. I desire to express myself and create things
4. I am aware that writing this book will take hardwork on my part
5. I am not resistant to hard work in accomplishing my goals
6. Having work hard at something doesn't make me stupid it makes me industrious

Also a truth that exists in my new reality is: 

I cannot stop myself from writing this book, only delay it. How long will I delay it?

14 October 2008

Working from America

Working in America for an Indian software development company.

I thought what an interesting perspective it was if I consider the true nature of the relationship I have with my company's Indian development partner. Most of the people in these kinds of relationships use the model of "them working for us." This is the common frame of outsourcing. 

But like almost every manager employee relationship, the true power to effect the concrete and tangible work products that we charge money for is in the hands of the workers. 

So I offer the following observations of working for an Indian outsource development company:

1. They are indeed full of desire to produce and deliver great work products.
2. They work in an evironment much like and yet unlike similiar US companies.
3. They understand better than anyone would expect the nature of the problems that they are being asked to solve but my own arrogance often doesn't give them the credit they deserve with regard to this understanding.
4. Their opinions are offered only in limited ways and so you must listen for them and pay attention since typcially you get these insights only once.
5. They are frustrated when they dont' think they are being heard.
6. Just like many software engineers in the US they do not know how to communicate in a way that makes things crystal clear and this leads to many misscommunications.
7. They need me to do more of the writing since they don't send a lot of written information.
8. They often speak english better than I do.
9. They are clear and concise without sounding arogant. Do not mistake their lack of arogance on the phone with a true willingness to do whatever you tell them no matter how stupid you are.
10. Believe in them and work hard to make everything crystal clear for them and you'll do well by them.