Weekend of More of the Same

This weekend I spent several hours painting a wall in my house so it can hold magnets and thus allow me to put things on the wall without tacks or other hangers.

Throughout the process I could tell I felt pressure. Pressure to get it done. Pressure to do it perfectly. Pressure to put asside things i value in order to prioritize it.

The pressure pushed me out of my true self and into a "beside myself" condition. I describe this as being aware of not being centered and in my integrity but not knowing what to do.

Therefore I didn't get to the gym as I had intended on Sunday. Instead I worked on the wall.

This wall now will be a constant reminder of how often I set aside my goals for the immediate actions of perceived necessity.

The Higher Power of God comes through the people I know.

I have let this blog be dorment for several years. 2010 through 2012 were times for me when I was very focused on many other projects.

Mostly I have found that through this time I was experiencing a lot of starting things. Started F1337command.com. Started working for Teleca and building mobile applications. Worked for a very short time on a startup idea.

But mostly I've been experiencing what I'd consider a conflict of personality. My personality crafted in my adult life and the personality crafted in my childhood.

As a child I learned to be capable. To quickly obtain new skills and to thrive in figuring things out. The struggle of my early life born out a man who went into the world armed with "do or do not." I became what I was most afraid I would not. I learned, grew, manifested, and blundered.

Then in 2003 I began to transform my personality. As I have learned and grown I have discovered that while I was healing past wounds I was still struggling. Thriving was just always out of reach.

As I entered into the middle part of 2011 this came to a head. Here I realized that if I am going to thrive I have to resolve this conflict between myself and myself.

So this year i'm going to focus this blog on that conflict. Making a personal part of my struggle available for you to see. My goal is to provide an externalization of an internal conflict and to build a strength through outing myself to some degree.

My first realization came to me this last week. I never listen to advice. I look for information but I am scared that if I do what other people suggest I will fail. Instead I turn over my power to the moments and my current understanding.

My second realization came to me this week. I am intentional buy not accountable to many of the toughest changes I want to make in my life.

So here is my chance and yours. I will hold myself daily accountable for my health program and I will take advice from others on what to do. I will find time in my life everyday to do both things.

I will use my friends and advisors as my higher power and get their ideas and follow their input.

Today I will stop being scared to not be perfect.

Will 2010 be a repeat performance

I thought I'd blog on 2009 since it seems very natural to do so. Here is a short list of things I'm grateful for that happened in 2009.

1. My kids and I have continued to develop better and better relationships.

2. My wife and I have continued to develop a better and better relationship.

3. I was given a trip to Cabo in February. My first trip to Mexico and it was all expense paid.

4. I was given an opportunity to start several online business starting a year long process of learning. It has been an awesome experience and one I will continue into next year.

5. I participated in a legal proceeding where I started by representing myself. I discovered for myself the self-care in both participating and working on your own legal defense and hiring a lawyer.

6. I realized how much I have learned about intellectual property, business management, and contracting in the 15 years I've been working in corporate america.

7. I realized how wide my knowledge about product development, manufacturing, and quality assurance are big assets in the work I want to do promoting and selling gaming products.

8. I discovered the answer to my business objectives was to return to a hobby I have been not involved in for more than 15 years. Who knew that gaming would come back as a solution to many issues.

9. I have discovered that my spiritual self has always been with me and that god is on my side. His support guides much of what I do.

10. I have come to a deeper understanding that my desire and my abilities do not need to match perfectly when I start something. I can fail at things and it will not only be just fine its actually the road to success.

11. I am more willing to push for something I want because I have learned that the only downside of forcing things forward is that I have to face my fear. Facing my fear is one of the biggest challenges of my life.

12. I realized with the death of my father that I too had a limited physical experience here and that I would not let up while I'm here.

My plan for 2010 is simple. Continue to be creative and live in the moment. My goals are simple and challenging.

To anyone who reads this before or after Jan 2010. God bless you.