16 October 2008

Childish Fear

I have often believed that my thoughts defined my reality. Especially feelings of loneliness (sadness and fear) an impending sense of abandonment (fear) and ritious anger (anger). While I could intelectualize all I wanted about the lack of reality these thoughts really conveyed it did little to change my emotional reaction to people, places, and things. 

My behaviors remained mostly unchanged when it came to matters that mattered to my perceived needs. 

What I have learned this last year is that these feelings most often stem from one place. An enmeshed sense of self. An ego state that believes that it will die if seperated, alone, or abandoned.

This began in my childhood when I was abandoned in many ways by parents. However, in my adult life this belief is totally unsupportive of me. It creates a clinging energy that drives healthy people away and leaves me most often with people who will in fact do the same. Even if they will not physcally abandon me they will by happenstance be incapable to staying connected to me. The disfunction in me matching in a symbiotic way to them.

This is the matter of the last six years of my life. To change my internal state machine to react from a new framework and sense of being.

While this is a life long goal of mine and will undoubtadly be part of my continuous transition. I believe I have achieved this to a large degree over this six years of therapy. 

I am grateful to all who have supported me in this process. Even as I move on from one therapy program to other self improvement activities I can reflect back with satisfaction at my movement.

Thank you to Karuna Poole and Vince Horan

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